Lately I have been struggling – if this is going to be an honest post I have been struggling for a long time, not consistently but this week really put in prospective for me that the struggle is real. I have had a throw your sucker in the dirt kind of week – Two horses got hurt, one with a season ending injury the other well he is the unicorn that is last thread to my friend who passed away (but that is another story for another post). I struggled with one of my orders that I had to get done because I ordered the wrong vinyl (also a human over site on my part, but one I should of caught) I made it work and it still turned out great just wasn’t want I wanted it to be (again the expectation of perfection is ridiculous). I am on a roller coaster with a teenager who I think has the heart of gold but sometimes makes stupid decisions i.e. when I tell her to pack her homework and she forgets it or tells a lie when I already know the answer (this is causing me to want to pull my hair out).
The list could go on and on and on, but what really has me down is the fact that I have allowed that green meanie of jealous to shift my focus from what I should be grateful for to “wow look at what that person has” or “man that person seems to have it all together”. I know what we see on Social Media isn’t reality or is it? I have always wanted to ask someone that I admire (or is that secret jealousy) is your life as perfect as you make it appear to be at rodeo’s and on social media? Do you struggle with the same parenting issues as I do and how do you handle it? Sometimes I even think I have turned into that person who is trying to paint a picture of what I want people to see of my life and not what reality really is.
Cause the reality is I have days (well most days) where I think I am doing it all wrong, I sit back and reflect on some choices I have made and asked myself what in the hell where you thinking? Most of the time my response back to myself is – at the time I thought it was an okayish (see that okayish part) choice to make, but most of my choices were made in hast or in a fit of what my mother refers to a wild horse princess fit because I didn’t get my way or just to put it boldly no longer wanted to deal with the consequences of previous actions that had started to catch up to me.
The one that really has be down is parenting – I am a single parent; my daughter’s dad is non-existent. Last I heard he had married a girl who worked in a massage parlor that concluded your trip with a happy ending. I get reports about his activities via the chain of his family that I still talk too, but other than that we have zero contact with him. He made a brief appearance for a year and then left just like a hurricane leaving me with debt, destruction and a child who still doesn’t fully understand what fully happened.
Parenting as a single parent SUCKS I am the good cop and the bad cop, the coach and the cheerleader and to be honest I hate it! I hate that my mom made me the bad guy when she babysat my daughter for me because truthfully didn’t want to hire a sitter because I wanted money to rodeo or to spend on other things. I hate that when I blow my top I yell (and man I can yell)! I hate that I feel alone in this journey and that my daughter’s life isn’t perfect that she doesn’t have two parents, that I can’t afford to just go out and buy the very best of things, and that emotionally I struggle with the fact that I compare myself to everyone else.
SO yes, the struggle is real I live a very unperfect Instagram/Facebook/Snapchat life! Sometimes I wished I had someone to talk to about it that could give me solid advice without judgement, because let’s be honest we live in a time of judgement. Where people aren’t listening because they care but because as Lou Hotlz put it “90% don’t care and the other 10% are happy you are having problems”. Honestly how sad is that and it is the truth that we relish in seeing others suffer, especially those we feel have wronged us in some way.
So To those who live the “Perfect Life” I salute you, because I don’t live a perfect life and I am not a perfect parent shit I don’t even know if I could be classified as an okayish parent. What I do know is that I struggle daily, I beat myself up and I chew ass a lot because I want better for my daughter. I want her to have that “perfect” life I want her to graduate college, be a good citizen, not be a single parent find the love of her life and get married do what she wants never have to worry about money or paying bills or having enough. I want those things for her and so many others that I know to have a perfect life.
With a big sigh of relief, I am happy to have written this down even if now one ever reads it I will have read it to myself and spoken a truth not many will admit to!
Rodeo Gypsy turned Jr Rodeo Mom ~ The Unperfect Parent and one who lives an Unperfect Life